Telly. All telly. Telly good.

Monday, May 31, 2004

Crap! It's been a week!


And we vowed that we'd never go that long without updating again. But we do have a good reason. Well, we don't have a good reason for Tuesday. But Wednesday and Thursday we were comforting some depressed friends and then Friday and Saturday we were in London taking a look behind the scenes at the marvellous Panda Pops (link on the right, we haven't a clue how to do it in the post). And last night we were knackered. Take a look at what we were doing in the three days previous, and then pretend you don't understand.

Anyway, we'll dive straight into the action and just say how good was Casualty this weekend? Very, is the answer, by the way. Although we had another issue with it being on on a Sunday again but that was offset by the excitement by having it on twice (yay!).

The storyline was marvellous (although we're not quite sure at the logic of having Lara get involved by replacing an anaesthetist - since when has Lara been an anaesthetist?) and had Lara, Nikki and Josh caught up in a robbery gone wrong, where Lara and Nikki got kidnapped by the villains and in a highly improbable but exciting chain of events Nikki was thrown over the edge of a multi-storey car park. At which point we screamed and nearly wet ourselves, because at the time we didn't know if it was Nikki or Lara (very cleverly, the writers had managed to get Nikki into a coat the same colour as Lara's, and only showed the fall from a distance so the identity of the fallen was a mystery. Genius!). Nikki survived, as did Lara, which makes the whole scenario a bit moot but gave Simon 'I took one pill and now I'm an addict' Kaminski the opportunity to take some more drugs.

Oh, and Fin proposed to Comfort. Yawn, is all we can say. And Charlie handed in his resignation. Will he really do it? He hasn't been there much this season, but can we really have Casualty without old Charlieboots? Can we?

We're also going to say that the final episode of Friends was excellent. Nothing more, because it'll make us cry. It was just excellent.

Of course, the other big event of this weekend - and the one that, to be honest, we were most excited about - was the arrival of Big Brother 2004 (why have they stopped numbering them? All of a sudden it's not '5' it's '2004'. Eh?), in which the run-up we reminded us just how much we heart Davina and Dermot, the reasons we carried on watching Big Brother 4. As usual, they're a motley crew - in fact, this year there's such a concerted effort to make them motley that there's a barely a normal person in it.

You didn't think you'd get away without us casting our eye over this year's contestants, did you? Well, if you did, tough, because we're going to.

Achmed: Obligatory grumpy older person, this year's answer to Sandy, who ran away from the house. The added interest of Achmed is that he's an ex-asylum seeker (is it just us, or does that phrase sound really bizarre? We know it's not, it just does). Unfortunately, that's counteracted by the fact that he's clearly very boring and grumpy. And apparently, according to his audition tape, a homophobe (not a good thing in a house filled to the brim with gays this year). Also, he seems to have an interesting habit of being naked in the spa. Ew, is all we're saying.

Daniel: A gay hairdresser. But wait, there's more! Daniel is actually our favourite out of this year's surprisingly large gay brigade. He's stylish (we loved his hat, although we don't like his silly little bit of hair quite so much) and very pretty. He seemed very arrogant when he went into the house but a few funny facial gestures about the other housemates later and we were starting to warm to him - and when he nominated the housemate to lose their suitcase based on who could borrow what we fell in love.

Emma: This year's Jade (or Helen, depending on which series you prefer). She doesn't appear to have any sense in her head at all, but not in a painfully stupid way, more in a genuinely dizzy and lovely way. Her audition tape was a piece of comic genius and our favourite moment from Emma so far has been her entry into the diary room, with no idea of what she had to do but clearly already terrified, and muttering frantically 'I can't do it, I can't do it, I can't do it.' Can't do what, Emma? Bless her heart.

Jayson: We feel that everything there is to say about Jayson (or 'Jay', as he keeps calling himself) can be summed up with the words 'He went into the house wearing a thong.' But, wait, there's more. He won some kind of award for his arse and got it out in his audition, as well as obviously in his entrance to the house. Nice enough with the muscles but his face lets him down a little bit. He seems OK apart from that, though, as long as he's not going to keep shoving his arse into the cameras. Think of the cameramen.

Kitten: Twat. She's a twat. That's all we can say. And before everyone gets excited, it's nothing to do with the fact that she's a lesbian (as we're sure she'd assume). It's to do with the fact that she's a twat. From the painfully-staged entrance into the house where Kitten conveniently refused to enter until she'd had a lesbian snog with her girlfriend, to the 'hilarious' antics of Kitten (mental age of six) purposely putting a glass bottle on the spa after Big Brother asked her not to, to her deciding that she wasn't going to share a double bed and sleeping in the snug, to trying to start a revolution against Big Brother, to her refusing to take part in the task and nominating herself, she hasn't done anything remotely enjoyable. We don't mind argumentative people, they're fun. She's clearly in there to be a twat, and we want her out.

Marco: This year's other gay, and almost the exact opposite of Daniel. Daniel seems to be quiet and nice and a little bit normal, whereas Marco spent the whole first night running round squealing 'OH MY GOD' like a big queen and embarrassing himself in front of all the straight men. He'd calmed down a little bit by Saturday and as long as he stays calm we will quite like him because he seems nice but if he keeps squealing like that we'll have to get rid of him.

Michelle: We don't really know that much about Michelle. She seems quite nice but hasn't really done that much, but she seems nice. We're going to be keeping an eye on her.

Nadia: Nadia used to be a man, which we think is fantastic. She's a lovely post-op transsexual, and in our opinion her operation was a huge success - she looks really good! There's a hint of mannishness in her face (which Marco noticed . . . hmm) but other than that she looks great! And she has a lovely accent. And she seems quite fun. We like her.

Shell: WE. LOVE. HER. How can you not love someone who said in their audition tape that they wanted to go in the house to be 'really nice'? Everything about Shell is nice, even her crying on the first night, bless her. She's so sweet that she's even nice to Hellbitch Kitten. We want her to get as close to winning as possible.

Stuart: Fit fit fit. We like him if only for the fact that he's really fit. Even with his silly headband type thing, although his hair looks as if it's very well-cared for. We had a moment when we watched him wrestling in the mud with the other housemates then hopping off for a shower. Ooh, he's so yummy. He seemed a bit arrogant at first but has since calmed down and is lovely, especially when he's getting really confused by really simple tasks (ie not understanding the luggage task AT ALL. Bless him).

Vanessa: We're a bit ashamed because we identified her as an Australian when she's actually South African. Oops. She seems quite nice but is the first of this year's housemates to fall foul of the tabloids - apparently she cheated on her husband on her hen night. Who cares? She seems pretty nice anyway, if a bit quiet.

Victor: Another one that we don't like. At all. He swaggered into the Diary Room and told Big Brother that Nadia was looking at him so obviously she was attracted to him (we can't wait for him to find out she used to be a man). Then he said that his DNA stands for 'Dis Negro's Attractive', which would have been classed as racism if anyone else said it. He hates Kitten, which raises him slightly in our esteem, but then the fact that's he a twat drops him back down again. They can get rid of him too.

OUR FAVOURITES: Shell, Stuart and Daniel.
HOUSEMATES WHO CAN GO AWAY: Kitten, Victor and Achmed.

Strokes of Genius: This year Big Brother appears to be operated by some kind of evil genius, since there's a lot of stuff going on that is supremely clever but at the same time really, really evil. For starters, the whole luggage thing, where one housemate (Kitten) doesn't get her luggage for the entire stay, is pure genius - just a pity that Kitten didn't seem that bothered. The sleeping arrangements that force people to share and the see-through bathroom are both exciting developments.

But the most evil genius thing of all is that this week the housemates will choose who they most want to go, and that person will be evicted - but they won't! They'll be rushed off into a little extra secret room of their own where they'll be able to see everyone talking about them! We're hoping they get to go back in after that and cause chaos. We're also, in the depths of our minds, hoping that it will be Kitten and the knowledge that everyone hates her will give her a nervous breakdown.

This year's Big Brother is actually looking quite good. Sigh. We won't be going out for the next ten weeks . . .

Monday, May 24, 2004

Thrown and confused

We are talking, of course, not about the state of mind you'd be in after being kissed by a giant gorilla (although we imagine you may indeed be thrown and confused after such an event) and instead about how awful it was this weekend, what with Casualty being on on a Sunday. There was a whole hour before we went to work Saturday night where we just didn't know what to do with ourselves, and we were forced to eat chocolate chip muffins just to give us something to do. Which, of course, we hated.

We also hate Hell's Kitchen. We don't care how funny it is that Gordon Ramsay swears all the time and we don't care how funny it is watching Z-list celebrities who think they're famous, it's rubbish. We deliberately didn't watch it (we'll tell you what else we were watching in a minute) but the last few minutes we caught and it was just Angus Deayton standing in the restaurant saying 'um' and asking Gordon not to swear while he was being interviewed. Who the hell tries to interview a chef in the middle of the food being cooked? What kind of ass-backward journalism is this? We'd also like to point out that if we won a prize of eating in a restaurant staffed by pretend celebrities, we'd first flush our heads in the toilet, and then be irritated that our meal was interrupted by Angus Deayton wandering around like some kind of drunk moth and barging through our eating space. Honestly, the man has no respect for food. We're going to save all our Reality TV excitedness for Big Brother on Friday. We're slightly excited by the news that cameras are going to be installed in the toilet and shower, which are going to be see-intoable from the house as well! Naked housemates! Fingers crossed for some buffness this year.

Anyway, the reason we weren't watching Hell's Kitchen, aside from the fact that it's pants, was that we've recently gone on a bit of a BBC3 kick and were watching the new medical drama Bodies, in which Max Beesley (remember him getting his bits out in Tom Jones?) is a registrar on an OB-GYN ward (ie: ladybits and childbirth), where he shagged the sister (the ward sister, obviously, not his sister, as that would be vile) and met an Irish anaesthetist who told him his boss was crap.

We need to take a moment to worry about the Irish anaesthetist here - we didn't catch her name - as she is the most nervous woman ever (even more nervous than midwife Mickie in Holby City). She spent every operation she was involved with biting her lip and looking round like a rabbit who'd just walked in on the Annual Fox Convention, before frantically whispering at Max Beesley about how rubbish his boss was. Get her some valium!

Oh, and rather excitingly, Tamsin Malleson (the incompetent one in Teachers, and also, if you watched it, the vixen in the final episode of Murder City) is in it as a specialist registrar who appears to do nothing but ask patients about their sex lives. Yay!

But getting on to some actual analysisis . . . is. We hate that word. Bodies is nothing like Casualty. It is also nothing like ER. Those programs are about how wonderful hospitals are and how dedicated the staff is. Bodies is all about how basically everyone who goes into hospital dies, unless they work there (the only operation that didn't go horribly wrong was on one of the nurses and we can't foresee that ending happily either). On the whole, we like the series but we have to watch some comedy or something afterwards to stop us from having heavy serious thoughts, which weigh our heads down.

Speaking of medical dramas, Sunday was swarming with them. Just before Bodies we had Casualty, which was rather exciting this week as Charlie finally grew a pair and told Jim to stuff his new regime, because Jim decided that abscess patients should be operated on in Casualty, a bizarre decision that made everyone very cross, including Abs, who tried to start a strike, but Charlie stopped him, so that he could organise a strike. Eh?

Meanwhile, Bex took Luke speed-dating and they predictably realised that they still fancy each other. You'd better act quick Luke, Bex hasn't got long left. Meanwhile, Fin learnt that the engagement ring he lost in the train crash 36 weeks ago had been found. Good grief, they know how to keep a storyline running at the BBC! It's almost beating Corrie's gay storyline.

More on Corrie in a minute, first we have to direct your attention to the other medical drama (only not quite a medical drama) on Sunday, BBC3's Kingdom Hospital. It's set in a hospital but it's by Stephen King so it's bizarre, and there's a talking giant demon anteater, a ghost, a psychic, a vampire and a fat man. Although Dr Hook, a pivotal character, has a very nicely-developed chest that we're hoping to see more of in future episodes. It's on at 10 Sunday nights on BBC2, with the next episode following straight after on BBC3.

Somebody get me a trumpet! Play me a fanfare! Todd has finally stepped out of the closet and into the light! After heading off to look at a church to possibly have the Big Gay Wedding in, Todd cracked under the pressure that's been building in recent months like a primed jackhammer and it all became too much. Evil Karl (because all gays are evil) had more than a little to do with it when he told Todd to either marry Sarah or stay with him.

To be fair, Karl does have somewhat of a point here but we're glossing over that as we hate him. Nasty Gay Karl. Why couldn't he have been a nice gay, like Ben in Holby City?

Anyway, Todd came out to Sarah and then the music played. So tonight ITV1 are showing three - yes, three - episodes so that we can watch Gail and Eileen beat each other up and then Todd can hit Nick. We're very excited, however, we're annoyed that it's on thrice. We thought the point was that there were two episodes on Monday for the exciting storylines? Why does this one get a whole extra one? We're not going to watch the 10 o'clock one because it's the season finale of Without a Trace and we like that. We might record Corrie instead.

Good heavens there was a lot of telly last night. In unrelated news: we love Emma Bunton's new song.

Most Important Question of the Day: Is it bad and wrong that when Ashley asked Orchid to sit down in Corrie, we found it hilarious that his accent made it sound like he was telling her to 'shit herself down'?

Thursday, May 20, 2004

The police are stupid in Sun Hill

Notice how we added the 'in Sun Hill' but to make sure that people know we're talking about The Bill and therefore not get sued by the collective force of the country's police. Heh. We love you.

But, honestly. How in the name of Judy Garland did DI Neil 'Emotion? What is this emotion?' Manson actually become a DI? He did some very stupid things today. The very dangerous and evil Don Beech, who got DCI Jack 'Bulldog' Meadows' last team disbanded after shooting a colleague, wanted a transfer. The conversation went something like this:

Beech: Can I have a transfer?
Neil: No.
Beech: Please.
Neil: OK.

Then, after mysteriously being abandoned by the van full of police officers that was supposed to be guarding them (they'd been called off to a convenient 'hostage situation'. Here's an idea - get another van full of police officers! It's not like they do anything else), Beech wanted to shag his girlfriend Maggie, who is actually Linda Lusardi, who we prefer when she's being fabulous in The Games. The conversation went something like this (can you tell where we're going?):

Beech: Can I shag Maggie/Linda?
Neil: No.
Beech: Please.
Neil: OK.

Unsurprisingly, this little turn of events ended with Phil (or 'Philip', as people keep calling him) unconscious on the floor and Neil tied up with a gag in his mouth. Duh, Neil. Duh.

Meanwhile DI Peter 'Someone get me a croc to wrangle' Cavanaugh tried to get Sam to run away with him, then held a gun to her head and shoved her in his boot while he drove off. Hurrah! Although here we have an issue. No one was shooting at him because he had Sam at gunpoint. Surely with Sam in the boot, someone could have shot him in the three and a half years it took him to get back in the car? No? Oh, silly me, I assumed they were trained police officers when really they were just extras.

And Superintendent Adam 'Broody' Okaro is upset over both his hate mail (it's Rob, but ssh! Don't tell anyone!) and Gina repeatedly copping off with Jonathan, the new lawyer to make it seem like Law and Order. Oh, leave them alone, Adam, it's about time Gina had some love.

Meanwhile, Ramani investigated a rape case and became convinced that it was the same perpetrator as two previous assaults. Despite the fact that everything about the situation was entirely different. Policing we enjoy, entirely random and apparently pointless.

Right, everyone stand up and let's have a moment of silence. Oh, fuck that, give it a second or two and sit back down there's still a lot of stuff to get through. We're talking, of course, about the departure of both Ed and Tom, the Batman and Robin of Holby City's cardio-surgery ward.

It all ended rather pear-shaped when Ed wanted Chrissie to lie to save his job, but Chrissie told Tom that Ed's dad took the blame for a murder Ed committed (accidentally, of course, is there any other kind? Except for Kelly the Keller Killer, obviously) and Tom was cross so he told Chrissie to tell the truth and Ed lost his job. So he punched Tom. Yay! And then told Ric and Zubin (why don't those two just get married?) all about how Tom breaks the rules all the time, so he lost his job too.

All rather different to when Kath left, isn't it?

Oh, and Diane and Owen slept together. Anyone surprised? She was about the only woman left. What is it about a lumbering gorilla of a man with two failed marriages behind him that attracts women so much? What are we missing?

We'd also like to take this moment to sing the praises of the lovely Spencer 'All I need is the love of a good gayboy' Moon (seriously, my love, just take that step out of the closet and into the light). We've long been an admirer of his from afar, and got quite excited while watching Christopher Parker (the rather lunchable actor who plays him) dance his little socks off on Strictly Come Dancing, and like nice things to happen to his character. We'd prefer it if he went gay, but the rather lovely storyline where he was locked in a room with Kelly and they ended up getting off with each other warmed our collective hearts, we don't know about you.

Meanwhile, Sonia feels pressurised by Pauline over the wedding. To be fair, Pauline would probably make a light bulb feel pressurised into turning itself on.

And, in the bizarre laws that govern the World of Soap, Ian the Baby Machine has decided that since he is technically Baby Bobby's father, he should be the one to raise the child. Despite poor Bobby having spent quite a lot of time with his dad-by-everything-other-than-actually-being-his-dad, Garry the Gorilla. Oooh, two gorillas in one entry, it's like Gorillas in the Mist, without any mist and no actual gorillas.

Oh, and one final thing, Strictly Come Dancing reminded us: We are terribly, terribly, terribly excited about the forthcoming fifth season of Big Brother. As in, almost incontinent. What we're a bit puzzled about, however, are the ads proclaiming that 'Big Brother turns evil'. What's that all about? Will this year's BB be in Hell?

Also, what's this 'Black Friday' nonsense? Just because it's the last episode ever (sob) of Friends and Big Brother is apparently 'evil' this year, doesn't mean you can just colour in a whole day. Anyway, we always saw Friday as more of a cerulean colour, ourselves.

Most Important Question of the Day: How does Ian ever make any money? He's up there with Corrie's Dev as Soap's 'Man Most Likely to Close Before Closing Time'. And that potential customer did not look happy. Storyline in the making there, we think.

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

Comments are back!

And it's about time.

In entirely unrelated news, we've just realised that if you follow a small section of our sidebar (look right!) it goes 'Aargh! Ooh, Good grief'. We'll try and be more creative from now on.

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

A couple of rants

Rant One: MIA TV

M for Missing, I for In, A for Action, T for Tele, V for Vision, Missing in Action TeleVision, quite simply.

At random times of the year, some series appear to disappear from our screens for quite bizarre reasons, and we're sick of it.

Casualty, which is a staple of our Saturday night televisual entertainment, was missing this Saturday. However, we were prepared to accept it, because in its place was the marvellous Eurovision, which quite frankly could replaced all normal telly if it so wished. What we don't appreciate is that Casualty is once again missing this Saturday. Why? Because Test the Nation's IQ Test is on. We didn't mind this little exercise in stupidity the first time it was on, or even the second time, but don't they have a new 'specially-designed' test every other week now? We don't care how clever we are, we just like our telly. What really annoys us is that Casualty is now on on Sunday for this week, which is wrong in itself. Here's an idea, put Test the Nation, which no one likes, on Sunday where there's a gap and leave Casualty alone.

The troubles poor Casualty is being put to, although terrible, are nowhere near the troubles that The Bill face, however. Bear this in mind: sometimes The Bill is on three times a week if there's an exciting storyline, but mostly it's on Wednesdays and Thursdays. Last week it wasn't on Wednesday because of the British Soap Awards. Bizarre, replacing what is almost a soap with the Soap Awards, but never mind. And next week it's not on Wednesday because the Fucking Football is on. We have nothing against Fucking Football, we were just under the impression that the reason ITV2 existed was so that ITV1 could show normal programmes and ITV2 could show the exciting extra stuff, but apparently not, ITV1 shows everything and ITV2 repeats it and shows the shit that doesn't make it onto ITV1. Making it the most pointless TV channel ever. After Men and Motors.

Moving back to the Saturday front. We work Friday nights, so don't get up until about midday on a Saturday - and the one thing we can always be sure of is that As If will be waiting in all its wonderful, British-Dawson's-Creekness, for us to watch in bed with Frosties. Except this week it's not. Why? The Fucking Cricket. This is slightly different to the Fucking Football in that we really hate the Fucking Cricket. If you want to invent a stupid game that lasts all day, fine, but kindly don't pretend it's popular and take up an entire day with it. This means that not only is As If not on, but the entire T4 strand is missing, and I like to watch the lovely Steve Jones of a morning. Sunday's T4 is similarly absent, and the rest of the week is taken up a confusing mass of schedules for if the cricket is or isn't on. Here's an idea, accept that nobody watches it, and never show it again. It's like BBC2 showing a whole week of nothing but snooker and then switching to a week of nothing but golf. Why would anyone do it?

Then of course there's the programmes that are on, but in ridiculous times. Dawson's Creek is still something we love, and it is nearing its end, but not in the afternoon slot it was meant for on Channel 4, as bizarrely they've sold the final season to Five. Who put it on at some ridiculous hour in the morning. Even people who don't work aren't going to watch that. We have to record it and watch it after As If when we watch our recorded Will and Grace.

Channel 4 are prime suspects in this, by the way. Their particular trick is to buy an expensive American series then never show it at a normal time. Six Feet Under is a magnificent series but is on at 11pm Thursday nights. NYPD Blue, one of America's big hitters with a strong following over here, is on just afterwards, at midnight on Thursdays. Look at the target demographic for a hard-hitting series about New York police. They will work. Are they really going to stay up till the wee hours? No.

We still bear a grudge to Channel 4 for the way they treated Angel. Poor Angel has been so mistreated by the UK terrestrial channels (Sky have been lovely to it). First of all Channel 4 bought it. They decided that despite the fact it was a horror series they would put it on at 5:30 in the afternoon. Unsurprisingly, the repeated death and violence annoyed the censors. Did Channel 4 put it on later? Did they heck. What they did was cut all the scary bits out, because that's the clever way to do things! This, obviously, made the series shit, so no one watched it, and even if they did it wouldn't have mattered because Channel 4 didn't even show two episodes. When Season Two came around, they smacked it on at about 3 in the morning, and again, unsurprisingly, no one watched it, so they sold it Five, who started showing from Season Three. For a while, they were sensible and had it on at a respectable time, but then they put it on at 11 and then they stopped for about a year, and now it's on again and heading into Season Four, but it's still on at midnight. Because that is, apparently, the way to draw in viewers.

Of course, BBC2 were similarly ham-fisted with Buffy. Instead of putting it on at 8 or 9, where it belonged, they cut it and put it on at 6:45. Right. Three times a week, just to make sure that there'd be days some people had to miss it. Then, in an attempt to pacify the world, they put the uncut versions on on a Friday night. At about midnight, again. Anyone getting the similarities?

Why spend money on quality series and then bounce them around the schedules like ping pong balls? Why waste the money? The thing that really annoys us is that regularly the shows replacing these series are undeniably shit and yet still, it happens all the time. We call for an end.

Rant Two: Horatio 'Smug Twat' Caine

A while back we posted about how much we don't like CSI: Miami compared to CSI. We watched Miami the other night, and are concerned that the standards of police investigation in Miami seem to be slipping.

Lieutenant (Gil Grissom doesn't need a fancy title) Horatio Caine is, to blunt, a Smug Twat, who appears to be unable to actually interrogate any suspects. Instead, he wastes valuable time being Smug and pretending to be clever when really his team have done all the work. Say, for example, Mr Banana had been killed by Mr Pomegranate. Mr Pomegranate pretended that he wasn't at the scene of the crime but there are pictures of him entering the building and they have a witness who will testify. The conversation will go something like this.

Smug Twat: Hello, Pomegranate. (He will say this in a very low, serious voice to show us that He Means Business)
Pomegranate: I've been questioned, Mr Caine, and I think you'll find that I'm innocent.
Smug Twat: Oh I'm sure that's what your story still is, Mr Pomegranate, but see, the thing is (he's fond of saying this), the thing is (not a typo, he likes to repeat things like this in case we don't understand how Serious He Is) that we have, we have a picture of you entering the building in which Banana was killed. Can you explain that?
Pomegranate: I think I want my lawyer.
Smug Twat: Well, I don't care that that's actually the law and I'm not even going to explain why I didn't show you these pictures when you were actually being interviewed by the rest of my team, I was probably sunning myself while they did all the work. Can you explain this picture?
Pomegranate: I know what it looks like, but, uh, I didn't kill that Banana.
Smug Twat: Really. Do you know a Ms Tomato?
Pomegranate: Yeah, I know Tomato.
Smug Twat: She a nice girl?
Pomegranate: Yeah. (Here he'll be confused because Smug Twat is just so clever)
Smug Twat: I know. I was talking to her earlier.
Pomegranate: Really? (He's scared but trying not to show it because Smug Twat is just so menacing)
Smug Twat: Yes. And she told us that you killed Banana. So what we're going to do, what we're going to do is (he likes saying this as well), you're going to jail, my friend (and this), and all because of Ms Tomato.

Now are we being cynical or would it not have just been easier to arrest the Pomegranate and say 'We've got a bunch of evidence, you're nicked'?

Anyway, that should be our rants out of our system for a couple of months now. Ooh, we feel so much better.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Look! Look at us! Look!

Hey, this is a bit sexy, is it not?

Well, we've been caught up in the Great Blogger Relaunch, which we think is rather lovely, and have, in the spirit of things, made the site look a little different! Now you can see what we've posted when and everything should be a bit easier to get to. Woo! Now, onto the good stuff: namely, how rubbish was Holby City last night???

Many reasons. Partly because it focused mainly on Ric, Tom, Ed, Rosie and Mubbs, none of whom we particularly like. But we stuck with it, only to be given some truly hideous dialogue spattered throughout the episode, a prime example being . . .

Jess: Rosie, your husband's just been admitted to AAU.
Rosie Sami???

No, Rosie, the other husband. OF COURSE IT'S SAMI, YOU IDIOT. Add to that the fact that we didn't have any of sexy new Will except for him looking smug at the beginning (we still maintain that he's gay or married), and the fact that apparently, after helping his father, Ed has become some kind of Angel of Ridiculousness, altering charts left right and centre to get heart transplants for patients. Last night he gave an old man a heart attack to get him on the Urgent list. Ah, that Ed, he's a giver.

Speaking of the old man, he was very surprised to find out that is daughter was no longer a solicitor. Clearly he doesn't watch ITV1, or he'd realise that she's quite happily being Kris Marshall's sort-of object of affection, Forensics Annie, over on Murder City. Are we running out of actors, people?

Also, Ric decided that he was going to resign as Clinical Director to make more time with Jess (still feeling guilty over the fact that he didn't notice Robert was trying to kill her. Which, you know, he should). Now this means that Tom is going to be Clinical Director. Bollocks. And we thought Jim as Head of Casualty was bad.

Last night we watched CSI: Crime Scene Investigation and Law and Order: Criminal Intent and wished that we (Britain, not us personally) could make TV like that. Sigh.

Most Important Question of the Day: Does Jess ever go home? Last week she claimed she was tired of double shifts. And yet, she's still there, while her boss Lisa hasn't been in sight for weeks. For goodness' sake girl you're working yourself to the bone! (Jess, not Lisa. Lisa's probably at a spa or something)

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Good Grief

Well, we've been suffering a little bit recently from the old 'oh-we-can't-be-bothered' syndrome normally seen in 14-year-old boys, but then we looked on the page and realised that there've been quite a lot of visitors (yay!)/possibly repeated visits by the same person (you know who you are). Either way, we have been spurred into action.

Another part of the reason why we haven't been posting much is because, frankly, telly's been a bit rubbish recently. In Corrie, the Todd/Karl thing is really beginning to get on our tits, quite frankly. Is it just us, or has it turned into some kind of bizarre homosexual merry-go-round? Todd kisses Karl, goes home to find Sarah being either moody or happy, decides he 'can't do this anymore', breaks up with Karl, goes home to Sarah, changes his mind, sleeps with Karl, feels guilty, goes home to find Sarah being either moody or happy, and repeat until everyone's died from boredom.

Ah well, apparently Katy - 'Get a vet! Someone's dyed a water vole orange and killed it on my head!' - finds out about them soon. Not difficult, really, considering the two of them connect eyes whenever they see each other. Todd and Karl, not Katy and the water vole. They can't connect eyes, the vole's all the way up on her head.

Ah, but elsewhere in the street, our strings were pulled and our cockles warmed. We're talking, of course, about our heart, not some bizarre sexual practice dreamed up by the residents of the Street, and we're talking, of course, about how Les found out Cilla's been shagging Ronnie (well, don't look like that, the stringy cockly bit comes next) and threw her out (well, maybe not next, but give it a second), at which point poor little Chesney/Oliver Twist became homeless and attempted to run away with Schmeichel (who is a dog, for those of you not savvy with the current influx of animals to the Street) to London. But Les let him stay with him. All together now: ahh.

Right, we're over that and we're very much excited by Casualty, because this week it was just like ER, with student doctors and everything! Admittedly they were all crap, but it was a bit exciting all the same.

Most of the excitement, however, resolved around the fact that Twinkly American Jim has taken over as Head of Department in Gruff Harry's absence, and gone absolutely mental. You would have thought he'd be more into hugs and kisses as a managerial style, but no, he's more into the 'let's shout at Abs and Simon, implement a new rule that ends up in an old man getting knocked down and have secret meetings with Hell-Dyke Helen' stylee. We can only imagine what Harry will say when he gets back. Which, considering he's only gone off on holiday, can't be that far away, surely? Here we find a conflict of interest - we utterly dislike both Harry and his psychotic daughter Tally and hope they'll stay away, but Jim's Reign of Terror must stop!

Also: we've said it before, and we'll say it again. When Tally was played by a different actress, Harry had three children. What's he done with the other two? Sent them on safari?

We'd also like once again to raise our grievances over the amount of Jack time there isn't on Neighbours at the minute. Although the one time we did see him he was in builder's overalls and a very tight vest top. Oh, yum. Conversely, we're not that excited about how much time Rocco appears to be taking up, threatening Bankrupt Lou, threatening Connor, threatening his girlfriend Sindi (why, Sindi? Why?), sort-of threatening Toadie . . . remember the days when Ramsay Street was all nice?

Back in cooler climes, The Bill's Kerry has decided not to formally accuse Smithy of raping her. Which is good, because taking into account the fact that she's a slag, she was drunk and her lips are the size of Transylvania we couldn't see her case doing very well (we should point out here that it's pretty obvious Smithy didn't rape her, and we're not just being horrible).

Meanwhile, Gina (who we love, partly because of the amount of times she shouts 'Oi!' per episode), is feeling the first flush of love over new quite-old-but-not-older-than-her lawyer Jonathan. We see romance in the air . . . Along with Jonathan, we also have another new character, Gay PC Lance, and we're very excited to see him kissing and shagging men in the near future. And obviously, being part of proper storylines as well. We don't want a Footballers' Wives situation here, do we?

Well, there. We are now caught up. And hopefully, we'll post a little more regularly. However, we would like to point out that we do have a life, so you may just have to wait.

Most Important Question of the Day: Why does everyone complain when bad things happen in Casualty? You've worked there, long enough, people! Bad things always happen there! Get on with it!