Telly. All telly. Telly good.

Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Ooh

Wasn't Holby City exciting? It was like Charlie's Angels.

We'd also like to ask if Jess ever goes home. This is because for the past goodness-knows-how-many episodes someone (or Jess herself) has pointed out that old Jessieboots is on a double shift. Surely there must be some kind of law as to how many double shifts you can pull, especially in a hospital as dangerous as Hellby?

Anyway, on her way out after another one of these double shifts, Jess ran into Rob (Mr Scary But Fit) who was apparently getting some grapes or something for his nan (here's where we would have been suspicious - who turns up at the hospital in the middle of the night for grapes?) and before we knew what was happening he was inside Jess' house offering to cook her dinner (it was so much sweeter when Jess and Dead Nic were going out . . .). Jess got a bit freaked out here, as you would, and made him go away. Yay! Then Donna came home.

But she didn't! She was still at work! As was Lisa! So who had come in the house? Who? Who? We felt like Sherlock Holmes when we guessed straight away that it was Rob. Fortunately, however, Jess, who had been in the bath, managed to cover herself up with some clothes before she ran into him. Good thinking.

Then it all got very scary when Rob hit her and then told her he loved her. We were very cross with him at this point and were jumping up and down in our seats begging Donna to get back home. Which she did, but only when Rob had Jess round the neck and Jess was screaming 'DONNA! DONNA! HELP!' which strikes us as a couple of minutes too late.

Anyway, we now quite love Donna in a special way, because we've always had a soft spot for Jess and as soon as Donna heard that Jess was in trouble she took the door at a run and smashed it off its hinges. Yay! Then Rob let go of Jess. Then he grabbed her again. Oh, it was very confusing. Then Jess did a very impressive backwards-elbow-Cameron-Diaz type move and winded him, Donna threw herself on him, they flailed round the kitchen like a suffocating octopus for a few seconds and then they hurled him through the back door. Yay!

However, they did manage to cut open his neck with a shard of glass, so they called an ambulance. Which, very excitingly, Luke from Casualty was in. Yay, crossover! Well, Diane was there as well but yay Luke!

Robert will be fine, Robert-lovers will be pleased to know, since Diane wisely didn't point out to Ric that Rob was trying to murder his daughter while he was operating.

Phew, all that excitement. Of course, we had the obligatory boring storyline where Mubbs was cross at Owen for being drunk last week. Yawn.

Also, still no Jack in Neighbours. Although there was a hefty chunk of Lyn being marvellous in an Eileen from Corrie kind of way by hugging a depressed Sindi.

Oh, and Mini-Whore Lisa played a cruel trick on Susan to make her think Karl was in love with her again, only for her to see Karl making googly eyes at Maxi-Whore Izzy. That poor woman. Susan, not Izzy. We'd like to shove Izzy and Lisa's heads in a blender and make Izzy/Lisa puree.

Most Important Question of the Day: Although we love Susan, you'd think after goodness knows how many years of marriage she could recognise her own husband's writing. Why didn't she notice that it looked nothing like his on the card? And if it did, how in the name of God did Mini-Whore Lisa become a master forger? Although we wouldn't put it past her. Little bitch.

Tuesday, April 27, 2004

Aargh!

We're so cross. After the debacle that was the Todd/Nick kiss we hoped that the Todd/Karl kiss paved the way for some more hot gay kisses on Corrie. And we got one last week when they kissed in the corridors of the hospital. However. Last night they kissed again in Karl's room - but the credits cut in before their lips touched! If Corrie want to introduce a gay character - two, even! - then that's great and we applaud them and it's magnificent that they're taking this step forward. But if they're going to sanitise it and make out like all gay men do all day is make googly eyes at each other, then they may as well abandon the entire storyline. There is absolutely no point in running a gay story - especially one as high-profile as this - without having the men kiss at some point.

Yes, you can argue as much as you like that the way they're filming it is clever to avoid annoying all the OAPs, and yes, you can argue that they don't show the straight couples kissing every five minutes, but it's more than that, it's about intimacy. Gay couples are just as intimate as straight couples - we kiss, we cuddle, we even - gasp! - have sex together, and it's insulting and rude if Corrie continue to treat Todd and Karl's relationship as some kind of hidden relationship where we're supposed to guess what they're doing all the time. We had enough of that with Willow and Tara on Buffy.

Anyway, rant aside, we're quite impressed with Eileen again - subscriptions to the fanclub to the E-Mail address at the side please - as she's finally done what somebody's needed to do for weeks now and told Karl that Todd's in love with him. Which sent Karl on a mission of discreetness where he told Todd. Who was cross (isn't he always?). However, when Todd tried to leave Karl did that thing we like where one person leans on the door round another person and blocks them from escaping (we'd do it ourselves but we have the upper body strength of a newborn kitten and the situation would end embarrassingly). Oooh, the sight of Karl forcing the door back from Todd made us all tingly inside. As it did Todd, apparently, since he then turned round and kissed Karl's face off. We assume. They were halfway there before the music started. Grr.

Oh, and Monica's returned. Yay.

Oh, but poor Fred! He's finally twigged that Mike and Penny are having filthy dirty old people sex! Well, actually, we're not going to waste that much sympathy on him because both Ashley and Claire tried to point it out to him five million times.

Anyway, we don't care about any of that, we're going to return to how great Eileen is. Once again, she's hugged Todd in a time of need after he confessed that for a moment he thought about how much easier everything would be if The Baby (oh, come on, it's been mentioned enough times to be a proper character now) had died (which we're skating over as this is a bit awful). That woman's becoming a one-person hugging machine. Then she let Todd stay at hers. Then she went and told Karl that Todd loved him, and Karl agreed with us that Eileen was the best mum ever.

Especially when you compare her to Gail, the Unhappiest Woman in the World, who spent the entire double episode wallowing around Weatherfield like a depressed frog, telling Todd in her usual snide way that Sarah's almost-miscarriage was all his fault, so that even Katy 'Bad Hair Day' Harris noticed that something was up. We want to drop something on Gail.

Oh, and we quite like Rozi! again now, hence Gail's replacing her on the Hit List, since Rozi!'s back with Craig on the sly. Well, she was, till Sally found out. Quickest storyline ever.

Returning to a general theme of ranting, we'd like to voice our annoyance that there was no Jack on Neighbours yesterday, which is quite frankly ridiculous. We only have 10 months left before he leaves forever, which we think is as good an excuse as any to make every episode about him.

Although to be fair it was quite exciting, what with Lou trying to keep the money he borrowed from Scary Rocco the gangster (hence the Italian rip-off music later in the episode) hidden but getting distracted by Stuart chasing Stingray through his garden, before Stingray ran into a lamppost after trying to impress Serena and Sky, who had a bit of a falling-out after Serena confronted Boyd, who was cross about Stingray stealing his board and the camera belonging to Sindi, who is going out with Rocco! But she calls him Tiny! The joke here is just too easy. Do it yourselves, we refuse to do anything so cheap and obvious.

But there was still no Jack. Never mind. Go to the BBC's Neighbours website and there's a picture of him there. Phew. Anger calmed.

Most Important Question of the Day: When did Eileen learn Karl's second name? She specifically asked for Karl Foster when she went to the hospital. From now on her name shall be Eileen 'Nancy Drew' Grimshaw.

And yes, the actress' name is Sue Cleaver. We're in the process of figuring out how to tell her how much we love her.

Sunday, April 25, 2004

We were watching Casualty last night and we had a sudden thought:

Why does anyone on telly ever trust a reporter, ever?

Jaye Griffiths played a reporter on The Bill, and she was frankly evil and ended up scaring Danny out of the country. Admittedly, she was trying to get to Des at the time for blowing up the station, but never mind.

Then there was reporter Frank who paid a youth to vandalise poor Polly's house in an attempt to get a story out of her, which led to Polly deciding the life of a CAD officer wasn't for her, so she left (noticing a pattern?).

Now on Casualty, Stevie Bishop aka Josie D'Arby is a reporter. In keeping with the theme of 'all reporters are scary liars', she claimed that she was doing a story on night shifts in Holby and wanted a look at the ED, before finding herself fortuitously in the middle of a prison riot and breaking goodness-knows-how-many hospital rules to get a story, following which Abs realised that she was really there just to look into a story about how he told an epileptic to stop taking his medication (he technically didn't but we haven't the inclination to explain).

Why did you trust her anyway, you fool? Reporters are bad, for goodness' sake! Just learn and move on!

Anyway, yes, prison riot, very scary and resulted in Roxy being half-throttled by a scary prisoner who claimed he was paralysed before waving around a stun gun like an over-enthusiastic cheerleader with a pompom. Fortunately, another prisoner was mental and fancied Roxy, so he saved her. Does anyone else think Casualty is becoming rapidly more mental as the series continues?

On top of this, of course, we had the fallout from Tally's OD. We're not bothering to cover this, because frankly we're disappointed she didn't finish the job. Then Harry would get upset and leave and we'd get some interesting characters.

Most Important Question of the Day: What on earth happened to the rest of Harry's family? His wife's dead, obviously, and Tally's working in Casualty, but weren't there two other children before, when Tally was a different person (also, not very good parenting that he hasn't noticed his daughter's been replaced by a not-very-good clone). Tally was always complaining that she had to look after the children. But now she's always in the ED. Where are the children?????

Friday, April 23, 2004

Finally, someone's got some sense

We're talking, of course, about Corrie's Eileen. We at Square Eyes are not averse to standing up and accepting the truth when we are proved to be wrong, and we will not shun away on this occasion either - we have long assumed Eileen to be a brainless twit with nary a good side to her, but tonight we have been proved spectacularly wrong in an episode that makes us super love Eileen and gain new affection for the actress who plays her (we may even tell you her name when we can be bothered to look it up).

The reasons for this are many: tonight's episode carried on right where Wednesday's left off, with Todd having just told Eileen that he's not sure about marrying Sarah because he's in love with a man named Karl. Just in case we hadn't seen Wednesday's episode, Eileen summed it all up quickly for us -

'You're in love with a man?'

- before having a wonderful reaction and giving her son a great big hug. She was also possibly the funniest character in the history of the world with her varied comments throughout the episode, including the classics:

'What are you? Half rice, half chips?' (The best description of burgeoning homosexuality we've ever heard, we don't know about you)

'[The gays are] all over the place! The postman's daughter's gay!'

'They're all alike. Not gay men. Just men. And the thought of two, one on either side, I dread to think!'

Right, off the funniness and onto the serious stuff. We're very much loving Eileen because she's being the thing that Todd needs - ie she's pointing out that he fancies a man and therefore marrying a woman just may not be the best move. However, Todd's being very ridiculous (we got so annoyed at him at one point we threw a Mars Bar at the telly) and claiming that he loves Sarah, and he and Eileen have left things on very bad terms after Eileen unwisely mentioned that she hates Sarah. Which we started to do too after a whole episode of Sarah's simpering. 'Oh, what if Todd doesn't love me? What if he leaves me? What about the baby? Wah, wah, wah.' Shut up. Todd likes men, so you'd best go and find someone else to shack up with. Try Fred, he must be getting desperate.

We'd also like to point out that we loved the three-second screen blackout we endured while Todd and Sarah were talking about the baby. We've decided that this was a brief look at the scene from the baby's point of view, and are impressed by the technicalness of this event. Hopefully we've have some more babycentric womb scenes in upcoming episodes.

Elsewhere in the street, Maya's given Tyrone a puppy, which makes us happy because now he'll stop whining about Monica, who Dev and Maya are still looking for (far too complicated for a story about a dog, but never mind). And poor Craig (has anyone else noticed that he has the Wrinkliest Forehead in the World?) made Rozi! a CD of her favourite songs and told her how good an actress/singer she was. So she dumped him to concentrate on her career. Gah! That's another character you can add to the hitlist.

Away from the dreariness of Manchester, lets pop over to Erinsborough where our favourite Neighbours live. Today, Jack decided to ask Toadie's advice on a strategy to win over Sindi. Apart from how Sindi is not us and therefore can never make Jack happy the way we could, we also don't want this to happen because we quite want her and Toadie to get back together. Anyway, apart from this Jack swanned about looking sexy, which is way fine with us. But we're expecting some topless scenes before he leaves.

Elsewhere in Ramsay Street, Lou's money troubles have led him to Rocco, who likes to beat people up. Oh no! If Lou gets beaten up, it will officially be his Worst Year Ever.

And Scott/Stingray/Scott is making his presence known by being really loud in Toadie, Connor and Stuart's house (sidebar: when did Stuart get so grumpy? We'd like him to be nice again, please) and helping with the filming of Making Mansions. Apparently, he's sixteen, which we don't believe, but never mind - he may have met a sticky end after stealing Boyd's skateboard. Details are sketchy, but at the end of the episode we saw the scene through the eyes of Sindi's camera, and Stingray appeared to run into the wrong end of a lamppost . . . oh, who are we kidding, there is no way this can be made to sound dramatic. Stingray's fine.

Most Important Question of the Day: What's wrong with the Rovers' pumps? We work in a nightclub and we can tell you that our beer thingies do not make that scary screaming noise when you pull a pint. We think someone should get them fixed.

Thursday, April 22, 2004

Cross, again

However, today we are cross for very different reasons - it's not a part of our life that's making us miss one of our favouritest ever TV shows, but the stupid bosses at ITV1. Having just pointed out that The Bill regularly gives them about 8 million viewers a week, this week they've decided not to show the Thursday edition, because of the bloody football. Gah! And tonight's was the one where the new gay PC joined! Gah! Gah! Gah!

Incidentally, has anyone noticed that the only proper gays on The Bill have all been in uniform? PC Luke Ashton, PC Gemma Osbourne, Sgt Craig Gilmore and the new one, PC Lance Powell (we're not counting Debbie and Juliet, because they were rubbish).

Anyway, The Bill isn't on tonight which is rubbish because we're really liking it at the minute. There's rape allegations flapping about all over the place since Slaggy Kerry decided that having her legs permanently wide open constitutes being raped by Smithy. She also nearly got killed by a bomb, but tragically survived, thanks in part, we believe, to her huge lips which undoubtedly absorbed some of the blast.

Sidebar: did anyone else notice the feathers flying about in the wake of the explosion? We at Square Eyes urge you to mourn the passing of the innocent family of chickens who happened to be passing at the time.

Another reason The Bill is good is because sometimes it all goes a bit mental. Last night Sam (now a DS) used her old DI office in the absence of Neil who didn't bother coming back despite a huge explosion. Kerry was taken to hospital where, as far as we could tell, she sat and looked shocked and came out looking exactly the same as when she went in - could nobody clean her up? Cameron told Kerry not to tell anyone they were talking then yelled about in his interview. Gina said 'oi' a lot. Yay! And we had a group of extras who'd clearly been told to 'freeze' when Smithy saw Kerry for the first time since the rape allegation. If the scene had held any longer, we had ex-extras.

Another mental place is Holby City. This week, Diane randomly tootled off to an army hospital where she met a sexy soldier-doctor called Will, who we like, which is a good thing because he joins the regular cast in the next few weeks (even without the help of spoilers, we'd know this due to the 372 times it was pointed out in the episode that he was leaving the army for a civilian job) and the two of them wandered around a live ammunition exercise sorting out some bullies. We got lost, too.

Meanwhile, back at the actual hospital (oh, that's right, it's a hospital-based drama, isn't it?) Owen and Lisa got drunk and had sex. Not a bad thing. Unless you're the only obstetric surgeon on call!!! Which Owen was, making it unfortunate that a pregnant lady with a weak heart went into labour very dramatically and forcing Mubbs to call in Owen. Nothing really came of this scenario, making you wonder what the point was in doing it, but we got to see Art Malik looking cross, which is funny because his face wrinkles up. Heehee.

Back to the subject of Will the sexy new doctor: we think that he's gay. This is mainly because Diane asked him for a drink at the end of the episode and he said no and she did her 'why did you kick me so hard in my cute little snout?' puppy face and he told her it was complicated. Making him either married, divorced or gay. Or a married divorced gay (hey, The Bill's ramming character types together, why not Holby?), and we want him to be gay, since he's fit and we haven't had a proper gay on Holby since the lovely Ben who died tragically in a car accident and then everyone forgot about.

Speaking of gays, over in Coronation Street something very odd's happening to Karl. He used to be quite a nice random gay character who you'd think, 'Ooh, I can see why Todd would leave Sarah for him', but now he's all weird and pressing-Todd-up-against-walls-and-being-angry-down-the-phone. We'd like the old Karl back please.

Which we may have soon, since last night Todd told Eileen that he's in love with a man. She shouted quite a lot about how he'd sacrificed everything for nothing but the look on her face when Todd said 'His name's Karl' was priceless. We quite like Eileen. She's a bit gormless and stupid, but other than that she's quite lovely and she seems to really like Todd, which we do too.

We're also feeling a little bit sorry for Sarah, despite the fact that normally we couldn't care less about the silly girl, because she seems quite upset over Todd's random behaviour of late. We'd like to give her a hug. Then explain her boyfriend's gay and she needs to find a new father for her children.

Quickest Hairstyle Change of the Week goes to Tim, Candice's fuck buddy who she thinks is her boyfriend. He used to have scary pre-pop career Adam Rickitt hair, now he has messy post-pop career Adam Rickitt hair. There's already one Adam Rickitt in the soap, love! He told Candice that he's off on a ten day holiday with his male friends. Yeah, right. Candice, he's shagging other women. Find a nice normal boy. Not 'I-have-an-old-person-fetish' Jason, though.

Right, we need to sit down now. We're slightly devastated by the fact that Jack's decided to leave Neighbours. We're more excited by the fact that we Brits will see him till March. Phew!

Neighbours today was particularly exciting, as Sindi quite rightly decided that Jack is one of the sexiest people in the world and therefore the Making Mansions show should have lots of deliciousness on his part in it. So today we were treated to the sight of Jack in an extremely flattering vest top (although we object to Sindi calling it a singlet, as that makes us think of King Arthur, who we doubt was as fit as Jack), oiled up to gleam in the sunlight. We'll be recording the repeat tonight for extra viewage. However, we do have one complaint: at one point Jack offered to remove his top for the camera. And Sindi refused. Why? Why in the name of God would you do that??? Jack wants to take his top off, Jack should take his top off!!! We expect the situation to be resolved, and soon.

Elsewhere, Lou's depressed because Trixie's still nowhere to be seen and he's got no money (ah, well) and Connor's worried that Lou's depression'll get him kicked out of Australia (there's a reason how it could happen, but we think this scene came just after Jack's offer of nudity so we were disoriented).

And in the Best Entrance to a Soap Ever we were treated to the arrival of Toadie's cousin Scott (aka Stingray, since we've already had a Scott in Neighbours once), streaking at a football match which Stuart was attending as a trainee policeman, and getting Stuart in trouble. We'd also like to point out that Toadie got into his suit and down to the stadium quicker than we've ever seen anyone move in our life.

Most Important Question of the Day: Why is Norris still in Corrie? When was his last actual storyline?

Sidebar: we just had to teach the spellcheck 'fuck'. Oh, the fun! And it tried to replace 'Mubbs' with 'muffs'. We found this so hilarious we choked on our Diet Coke.

Saturday, April 17, 2004

Cross

We're very cross because our stupid job in a nightclub means that we're going to miss The Saturday Show/The Simon Grant Show every week thanks to the inordinately late hours we work, so we're comforting ourselves with the fact that Karl is becoming one of the funniest characters in Coronation Street, simply because he's all of a sudden become very gay. For instance, last night his best moments were (in a Welsh accent) 'So am I still the only gay in the village?', on Todd's assertion that he was still marrying Sarah (more on that later), 'Well, at least let me kiss the bride,' and after said kiss (yay! Gay kiss!), 'You closed your eyes. Gayboy.' We love him!

We also love that he only ever sends text messages to Todd when he's either in bed with Sarah or in very odd situations, such as Gail's birthday party. We'd like to point out how much we loved that party. Everything was going great till she accused David of stealing to get her birthday present. The woman's talents for ruining a perfectly happy scenario seem boundless.

Anyway, back to the point, Todd's still claiming that he's going to marry Sarah. Why? This is the girl who spent all Gail's birthday going 'As I was saying to my FIANCE', and, 'HAVE YOU SEEN MY RING???' You are a ring, you little trollop.

Let's fact it. Karl is more gorgeous than Sarah (even girls think he's lovely). He's funnier than Sarah (he makes jokes about Little Britain, she shrieks 'ring'). Karl doesn't have a baby and isn't pregnant, unlike the Baby Machine. Karl isn't a member of a not-exactly-stellar family (Gail's really produced some corkers, hasn't she? Nick can't act, Sarah's a giant walking womb, and David's a delinquent). Todd has more in common with Karl. ie they're both gay. The choice should be obvious! And the fact that Todd and Karl keep kissing each other is another sign that they should be together. A subtle sign, but a sign nonetheless.

Meanwhile, elsewhere in the Street, Tyrone still can't find Monica. We think Maya killed her. We'd care more if it wasn't distracting from the gay storyline.

Most Important Question of the Day: When did Sally get a personality transplant? One minute she was perfectly nice and now she's all 'drama school, Rozi!, blah blah blah'. You can kill her off for starters.

Oh, and we'd also like to point out that The Bill has been renewed until 2010. Yay! However, this drew a comment from the producer Paul Marquess that he's 'long been itching to tear Sun Hill apart and rebuild it from scratch'. Erm . . . what do you call blowing up the station then?

Friday, April 16, 2004

Casualty's Casualties

Square Eyes is reeling!!!

We've just found from the ever dependable - crap, we don't know how to underline, imagine this is underlined - TVTome - imagine the underlining's gone - that lots and lots of people are apparently leaving Casualty! We're going to tell you all about them and about why it's good or bad they're going. Ahem ahem.

Nikki - Although we loved this character beyond belief when she arrived, and managed to remain loving her despite her extreme stupidity in marrying semi-gangster Jack, who died, this whole 'Jim+Jim's sexy son Andy thing = baby, who's the dad, doesn't matter, abortion, grrrrr' storyline has irritated us beyond belief, so at least we'll get some peace now.

Roxy - 'The Babymeister', as she's known, has spent her entire life in Holby having babies, abandoning them, having babies for other people and getting into trouble, so we think her womb deserves a rest. However, we have grown something of a soft spot for her in recent times, so we will be sad to say goodbye to her.

Fin - We're glad he's going. The Fin/Comfort storyline makes us want to drown in our own vomit. Comfort had like one drink and became an alcoholic. Fin swung round and became a wife-beater. Even if we cared, we'd be sceptical about this! And we'd also like to point out the Fin's voice becomes more black ('hey, girl, watchoo doin'?') and Comfort's voice becomes more Jamaican (I'm not going to attempt to write that) depending on the stress of the situation. Get rid of em both! Although we've heard nothing about Comfort, we can only hope. Although this does mean that with Josh in charge, Luke would be the only paramedic left. Ah well.

Lara - We're quite sad that Lara's going, it was fun to have an Australian doctor around the place, although we're annoyed that she didn't say 'strewth' enough. We were a bit disappointed with her massive character change - ie after Patrick's death she was all 'I'll never love anyone like Patrick, SIMON I HATE YOU', before falling into a cave and being all 'Oh Simon, I love you'. Er . . . we haven't seen a character change that big since Spike got a soul. Lara, we'll miss you. Give Tally a slap on the way out.

Simon - We have never liked him, at all. Over a period of several weeks we embellished his name into the far superior 'Shite-mong Skank-stinks-pee' and just Lara suddenly likes him, we don't, at all. Although we do when he shouts at Tally. We had a crisis the other week - Tally three a brick through his window and we didn't know who we hated more.

Tally - Well, she was never exactly going to be the longest--sticking character, was she? She used to be someone different then all of a sudden she got all sexy and started working in the hospital, shagged Simon, went mental, turned into a psycho and now she runs round crying and trying to kill people. We wouldn't be surprised if she committed suicide. But we're very cross because we have a feeling Tally will have something to do with the reason Lara leaves, and that annoys us.

Bex - Ahem, ahem. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! hOW CAN THEY - oops, over-excited again - how can they get rid of Bex????? She is the best character in it! Who else gossips so shamelessly? Who else has diabetes? Who else looks past the life-threatening injuries and icky diseases to categorise patients by buffness? Who else is a glamour kitten? Who else never does any work? Everyone else is so bloody driven. Grr. She'd better get a good send-off, that's all I'm saying.

And yet, with all these casualties, why is no one getting rid of Harry, who does nothing but piss about looking cross? Or Charlie - I know, I know, he's an institution, but how many episodes has he actually been in this season? Three?

But, we do have to point out that beyond the mentalness of losing about five hundred characters over the coming weeks, this does clear up quite a lot of space for some actually exciting new characters . . . and with this many vacancies, at least one of them has got to be gay, surely?

Sidebar: In Neighbours today, Jack ate an apple. We wish we were that apple.

And funniest line of the day in a classic comedy episode of Neighbours, when David invited Karl to dinner:

David: What was I supposed to say?
Liljana: I don't know . . . 'Here's a note from Toadie, bye'?

Of course, another classic came from the new and improved Stroke-Harold, 'Did that cabbage give anyone else wind?'

Oh, and Lyn was complaining that she's always cleaning Jack's pants. We'll do it we'll do it we'll do it!!!!

On another exciting note, the actor who plays Jack, Jay 'I'm the Sexiest Man in Australia' Bunyan, is going to be at this year's Edinburgh Fringe Festival, to which we are going.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Most Important Question of the Day: Why did Connor give Stuart a taste of his 'special' beer, then ask him to taste-test three 'mystery' beers with a blindfold on? Stuart's already tasted your beer, you lunk!

Thursday, April 15, 2004

Boring TV

Oh dear, it's been quite a while again, hasn't it? Well, we did try and update the other day, but we got halfway through and got distracted by something shiny, so we ended up accidentally deleting everything then couldn't be bothered to retype.

In recent events, Corrie - finally - had its first-ever proper gay kiss!!! (We're ignoring the Todd/Nickfiasco . . . frankly if I was involved I would be ashamed of myself. It wasn't a kiss, it was more a collision of faces. Mind you, any more than that and Adam Rickitt may have had to act. Shock horror!) We enjoyed the kiss, less so at the end of the first episode when it actually happened and the cameraman went skidding off down Canal Street like a queer on speed, more so at the beginning of the second episode when there was some actual kissage and neither Katy (whose new blonde hair, by the way, is utterly utterly hideous) nor Sarah noticed that Sarah's fiance was snogging the face off of a rather fetching nurse. Look closer, girls!

There followed an awkward night that ended in Todd not drawing attention to himself at all by having some sort of fit and storming out of the gay club. Sarah was a little confused, but after Todd drilled a hole in her head and poured the information in, blocking any extra holes with sealant to try and retain something, she finally remembered that he'd tried to get off with her brother and therefore might be a little uncomfortable in a gay club. So uncomfortable that he phoned Karl. Ah, young love. We hope Todd leaves Sarah, because we're bored of her.

Funniest moment in Corrie this week: Candice smacking Jason over the head with a frying pan. Yay!

We were watching Neighbours today, and we realised something: we would marry Lyn. What other woman would have no clue at all that bringing her fabulously sexy son Jack his lunch at a building site would annoy the other builders?

Speaking of Jack, he wore a vest today. Homina, homina, is all we're saying. He's getting more delicious by the day. And he always looks so confused! We'd just like to lead him home. Our home, obviously. Then we wouldn't let him leave.

Meanwhile, Trixie's show's failed. Wonder why? Maybe because she's 300? So now Lou's bankrupt and Trixie's done a runner. Evil bitch! Never mind, Lou, come home. We know you have no money but that doesn't matter. Ramsay Street's a nice street to be homeless on. It's got all those trees.

We're bored in Holby City this week. Rosie loves Mubbs. Yawn. Lisa's gone home with Owen. Yawn. Ric's investing in some kind of super drug. Yawn. Zubin was cross or something. Yawn. Yawn. Yawn. Get a new gayer! It's always more interesting when they're around.

Things are slightly more interesting downstairs in Casualty. Tally nearly killed someone in her desperation to annoy Lara. Yay! But apart from that it was boring, except for when Luke accidentally killed a junkie. Whoops.

Most Important Question of the Day: Why doesn't Jack take his clothes off more often? As in all the time?

Friday, April 02, 2004

Good Grief It's April

Right. We haven't posted anything for ages. However, we did have an almost life-threatening injury (well, we hurt our ankle), so we don't care. Right. This is going to be staccato, like this: bam-bam-bam-bam. With a limited amount of transgression. We hope. Um.

Sidebar: We just accidentally found a picture of Tom Lenk (Andrew from Buffy and Angel) and once again are swooning. We're going to look for scripts with all the funny things he's ever said, later, so we can pretend we are him. Swoon.

The Most Stupid Man in London was on The Bill this week. No, not Phil Hunter. A barman (now I'm saying nothing about the general cleverness of barmen here. I am one, sometimes, so it would be foolish). Now, a woman had thrown a brick through his window, then later on said she'd been raped (the randomness continues). When the police arrived, he was surprised to see them. Despite the fact that an entire forensics team was taking his door apart. Erm . . .

Also, Gabriel convinced Kerry that Smithy date-raped her. Ha! So far Kerry's slept with Nick (who's in witness protection), Luke (who turned gay), Cameron (her boyfriend who's Australian) and Smithy (who's got a funny voice). Did we miss anyone? I'm sorry, but isn't it more likely she's just a ho? Just my thought. And I do hate her. Look at her lips.

What do you do if your boyfriend once kissed your brother? Well, if you're Sarah from Corrie, you invite his gay best friend to live with you. Yay! Karl is now living with Sarah and Todd, so it's not going to be long before we get some proper gay action. Poor Sarah. She's so thick.

Other stuff happened in Corrie as well, but to be fair it wasn't that interesting. Ashley and Claire had an argument. Yawn. They also had sex, which was quite exciting, but since we didn't see anything we don't care. Hang on. No, we don't want to see anything. Ew.

Also, can we just mention that Footballers Wives is becoming even more random of late? In the space of one episode, during which Tanya's face remained crusty after a spiked tanning session (yes, random), Elaine's hair grew about four inches (actually, it grew from Sasha in As If Season 3 to Sasha in As If Season 4, hmm). And Conrad's hair became entirely blond. When did all this happen??????

Oh, and in the actual plot (hang on . . . plot? What's that?) Noah's been otued to the whole team. Excellent opportunity for an orgy, we think. And Amber tried to kill herself. Yay! But failed. Boo! And she's pregnant. Ooh! Honestly, it gets madder and madder.

We would also like to point out, once again, how much we love Murder City. Because it has Amanda Donohoe in it.

What, you want more?

Well, it has lines like this:

Susan: Luke, the law's been broken on a massive scale!
Luke: Yeah, I know, but so what?

Ah, if only more detectives had this attitude. Plus, in a twist of fate, it was shown right after The Bill, where Polly was talking about dead Owen - who turned up, alive and well and using the alias Bruce in Murder City! Someone tell Polly! Meanwhile, the evil reporter from a while ago who forced Danny's resignation popped up having babies in Holby City! Honestly, they're almost as devious as PC Andrea 'Jude Carlyle' Dunbar!

Elsewhere in Holby, Rosie was cross when Mubbs smacked one of her children. Frankly, we would have throttled the little bitches months ago. They're the most horrible children on television, and as far as we're concerned can go the way of other TV children, have a traumatic storyline and disappear. Bye now, kids!

Far worse than smacking the demon spawn was the departure of dear Kath, bless her heart. But, in a break from the norm, her leaving episode was actually quite good! So, well done Kath, we applaud you, especially since you've broken the curse of rubbish final episodes (for instance, Luke's 'I'm mental and running away' and Gemma's 'ooh, headache, hang on, aneurysm' in The Bill). We'll miss you.

Oooh, we're ending on an almost serious note. But before we go, we'd like to point out that we were watching children's TV and trying not to drool too much over the fact that it was presented by Andrew Hayden-Smith (pant pant) with guest Adrian from the chart show (woof woof) and then Blue Peter with Simon Thomas (wooga wooga) when Dick and Dom guested on Blue Peter. We loved the fact that when a child pointed out that they'd been quite successful on their own and asked how they'd 'come together', neither Dick nor Dom could answer for laughing, except for to say they were 'best mates'.

The rudeness!

Also, we've never yet watched children's TV without Andrew making some kind of mistake and then laughing hysterically. We love this man. The BBC should post monthly naked pictures of him. That'd up the viewing figures. Again, we say pant pant.